I'm running for President.

And I'll lose.

Why so pessimistic, you may ask? In celebration of tonight's debates between Senator Obama and Senator McCain, I couldn't help but try and picture myself in position of one of the candidates. I don't believe I am the smartest man, but when I am looking for a solid leader, pretty rhetoric does not give me the hoobalie joobalies like sound logic does.

There is just no way I'd be able to remain quiet as a candidate uses 2 words that mean 2 different things interchangeably. I wouldn't be able to control my smartass remarks. These candidates are just too easy. I appreciate the professionalism, but come on, it's time to be real. When your opponent says something stupid, let's start comedic jabbing. Let's see some rolling eyes, shake your head in disgust, heck, just right "WTF?" on a piece a paper and hold it up to a camera at opportune times. THAT would make for a great debate.

We should have bikini-clad models holding up score cards. I think there should be some college  kids playing beer pong in the background (Come on, it was Ole Miss!). I think having those guys from the show Wipeout drawing over the screen with voiceovers would draw in the American public just that much more.

But what about the issues?

Economy: I will decrease the increase by increasing the decrease by dividing up the tax brackets into 1 bracket of 6 brackets of a unified brackateer. I'll call it Bracketing so that no one will bother asking me what the hell I'm talking about.

Iraq: Finish the war and win it, but don't make it last any longer. I don't want my children to be paying the debt of a war they don't fight even if that means they will have to fight a war later that we don't finish, it's not selfish, it's just self-concerned.  I'll call it Iraqi War Backward-Progressings so that no one will bother asking me what the hell I'm talking about.

And my advisors consist of a palm pilot and my garden gnome and of course, my opponent, Timpleton the Great, also known as my cat. 

If you want change, I'll bring you change.

Shawn Finer for President 2028