Life as we know it ...

... has changed!

I find myself thinking about things far different than I used to. Tonight we watched a movie called "Life As We Know It" and, while it was a good movie, it really hit home. The movie is about a couple with a daughter who are killed in a car accident and left their daughter to be raised by their two best friends (who at first are not fond of each other so on and so forth) -- and honestly, it was a funny, good movie. But it was hard to watch.

It was hard to watch because the entire movie I was thinking about Reid. What if something ever happened to Laura and me? I can't bear the thought of leaving him, Laura or any of my family but leaving him is the absolute hardest to think.

I'm his dad. Period. With Laura, he'd raise up just fine and deal without his father. Without either of us, we now have little/no control. Who will raise him? Is it fair to hand him off to his aunt, uncle, grandparents? Would they take him... yes, I don't doubt that. But still -- that's my boy!

It sounds so strange to think about it, maybe even morbid. There are things I never thought about before, or if I did think about it, I wasn't really truly scared of the consequences. For instance:
1) Having life insurance - I now think about how my wife and son would live without me.
2) Having a living will - where would he go? Who would take care of him? How do we decide this?
3) That car 100 yards away swerved a little, I better get over - honestly, never would have worried too much about this or really even noticed, but when Reid is in the car (and now even without), all I can think is how I can keep him as safe as possible .. it's a good thing but so different!

Life as we know it ... has changed!

But on an unrelated note: funny story -

Today, I went to Kroger to get some stuff for dinner and while in line at the self checkout area, a couple of guys walk right up, ignoring the line and get next to a self-checkout.

I always assume the best in people and thought this to be an honest mistake. Since I was in a line of apparent passive aggressive people, I said, "Hey, the lines back here." The alpha of the two looked up, stared at the line and said, "No, we don't need to do that." Typically, I am rather passive and let things go, but this time I just couldn't. I said, "There's nothing special about you, asshole. Get in line." The shock on everyone's face was rather great and without a word, he got in line.

Life has changed indeed.

Do you like... magic??

I have to say, the magic in being a parent is 2-fold.

1) an unexplainable love... that while an unconditional natural love, still has conditionality that is relative to the decibel level of cries (kidding... sort of)
2) watching the amazing development day-by-day!

At the moment, he is discovering his hands. The best depiction of his hand-oriented motor skills right now comes from a classic, modern masterpiece -- Telladega Nights, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

You don't need to understand the movie, just watch his hands. I almost think Reid is trying to mimic him even though he has yet to see the movie.

Pod people know adventure!

Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.

Have you seen the movie 'Up'? If not, it's good, so check it out. It inspired me to write this.

I am only 28 years old. I have a beautiful wife, an amazing nearly 3 month old son, 3 cats, a nice house, a good job and all in a crappy economy. What's to happen next?

For me, that is my adventure. So many people think of an adventure in literal terms or like Hollywood - you know, hop on a plane, travel the world, hike mountains, see everything the world has to offer. I'm not sure I really care what the world has to offer, but really care about what is in my life. It may come from the world in some way as it's all connected, but I've seen the Eiffel tower in pictures. That's enough for me. What I want is to experience life ... not the world. And I am in the middle of that now with my wife, son and everything I have. Each day is something new even when it seems the same.

Maybe people prefer to experience the world because it is easier to do so. It's much easier to enjoy something we know is there and something that we know how far it is, how tall it is, when it was built, that it was built by people or built by nature, but it is so hard to enjoy what you don't know or don't know what to expect. That's how life is, you never really know what to expect.

Will I grow old?
Will I ever get seriously sick?
Can I be sure I'll watch my son grow up?
Will my car die tomorrow?

It seems like life is tough to focus on because we wonder if bad things will happen to us. Notice each question above is focused on a fear of something that life can bring. But is that a bad thing? I say no. Each is another chapter and you can carry on. Sure, eventually we all reach our last chapter, but I believe we all have a sequel that we don't find out about until after the end.

If you watch 'Up', I think you'll see this as its moral -- this is my interpretation of course -- but I think this movie tells us it is not what we do in our lives but how we live it with those that are in it that is the adventure.

Laura asked me to write about pod people. She is... an adventure...

Me Panic?? Okay, yeah...

Okay, look, I try hard to describe how to stay calm and deal with situations regarding people in particular, but, sometimes, instinct and adrenaline are good things to let get ahold of you. That happened to me this weekend... Let me explain.

I had to work at a client late into Friday night (until 12:30 am) then most of Saturday (8 am - 3:45 pm). I am not a fan of heights, elevators or being restricted from getting out of an area that I'm not comfortable in, but that's exactly how this one works -- it's on the 18th floor (heights and elevators) and after 7 pm, people who do not work in this building are unable to get out until a security guard comes and gets you (restricted in an area I'm not comfortable in), but I can manage. I don't like it but I don't have to deal with it too much. But on Saturday, I was able to leave without a security guard (during the day it's fine), and I got in an elevator alone, leaving this building.

That's when the fun happened. I went down the the 1st floor counting to 10 which helps me from getting anxious during the elevator ride and the elevator stopped on the 1st level and I waited for the doors to open. Then I kept waiting. Still waiting. These doors had no intention of opening and I would like to say I kept my cool, but that just did not happen. I started pushing buttons (I think all buttons except for the emergency call button) but nothing would work. I did the only thing I could. I grabbed the very small lip of the doors, somehow crammed my fingertips in between and quite literally threw the doors open so hard that an emergency bell had sounded in the elevator. I grabbed my bags and jumped out as the doors slammed again behind me.

Needless to say, I panicked. Another guy was on his phone and yelled into it "IT'S THIS ELEVATOR! ANOTHER GUY WAS STUCK YOU NEED TO SHUT THIS ONE DOWN. THIS IS RIDICULOUS..." and so on and so forth. When I got to the security desk to check out I told them what happened and he was 1)Amazed that I actually threw open the doors, apparently that isn't easy to do and 2)glad I mentioned this because there were security guards searching the elevators for the guy that was stuck (the guy on the phone did not mention I got out).

I faced a fear. I panicked, threw it out of the way and got the hell out of there. I think we all know the lesson here -- sometimes thinking can come second.

My fingertips are killing me still.

No regrets... well, maybe a couple

So it wasn't too long ago that Laura was feeling pretty bad with a 9 1/2 month pregnant belly weighing her down. I tried really hard to cheer her up, seriously, I did. Stop laughing. Well.. at least until you read all of it.

Technology, my friend, my companion, my amigo, stabbed me in the back one day in the form of an ill-typed text message. It went something like this:

"Hey hun, I just wanted to tell you that you ate the best wife/mother in the entire world!!!" If you look at your keyboard you'll notice the 'r' and the 't' are very close to each other.

A 9 1/2 month pregnant wife doesn't give you much time to back track and fix your mistake. I think she was more mad that I could not stop laughing during my apology. I wonder how long it will be until she brings that up in a tiny argument/debate?

I know it was over a month ago, but, Laura, I am sorry. (and funnily enough, I wrote sutty but in the case of a blog post, I had a chance to erase that... texts do not always provide that luxury).

How the hell do you raise a kid?

It was quite awhile ago when I mentioned I was to become a father. Well, now, I have been a father for 3 weeks and a day. All of the things I've spoken about in this blog have primarily been dealing with relationships between peers/adults/people who can wipe their own butt... well, for the most part. Now I am learning an entirely NEW relationship -- the baby. This relationship is one of pure dependence and all I have ever really relied on was being independent. It's strange how different my world has become and it is very interesting.

Frustration is a common word at the moment. But I can't really describe it... hell, dictionary.com can't even really describe frustration: -n ; the condition of being frustrated. Yup, that sounds about right.

But frustration is only skin deep. When he is cute, quiet and sleeping, I can only think about the future. Who really cares why WE are here? Why is he here? What does it mean and where is it leading?

I truly believe every one of us has something we are put here to do and that we are uniquely the best at doing. Whether it is parenting, athletics, biochemistry, helping the underprivileged, whatever, I believe there is something we are the best at doing. The hard part is the majority of people out there have either never thought of that, never been told that or have never been motivated (whether internally or externally) to consciously try to pursue that. My generation is SO caught up in doing things quickly, getting immediate satisfaction, that no one ever really stops to think of the right way to do things and how they can improve themselves. I honestly believe this is why we are in such deep trouble in this country when it pertains to Wall St. and politicians. These hot shots are looking for the quick way instead of the right way and that's how we get into these disasters.

I hope I can instill this in my boy, Reid, to think for himself and TAKE HIS TIME to figure himself out. I believe having a strong sense of self-awareness is vital to his development into an adult. I know it will be awhile before I get there but I hope I have the awareness to see when the time is right. Forcing the issue will do nothing. I want him to have fun, play sports, play with friends, get hurt, be stupid but I will do my damn best to make sure all those details don't distract me from helping him grow and develop. Can I have the congnizance to recognize his strengths and weaknesses? I know a lot of people say strengthen your weaknesses and you'll be stronger but does it really? What good would it do for me to focus on being taller? I believe focusing on your strengths is what helps you become that unique person who is the best of something. The key is being aware of it and figuring it out on your own; but also, being realistic and not kidding yourself. I was good at football, but it wasn't my strength in life.

How the hell do you teach that to a child???

We shall see!

In the meantime, Laura has become fully aware that I am able to sleep through Reid's screaming. Or so I've heard.

Short Side Option

You know, I thought it might be interesting to tell you of where my attitude comes from, my attitude of I can do anything even if it isn't pretty ... although what you are going to read is dealing not with intellectual situations but being a short man dealing with the physical ... Texas 5A football (And please pardon my foul language but honestly, it's almost entirely necessary to use foul language to get the point across).

Napoleon created an empire and a complex. His empire may be gone, but his complex lives on.

In Texas, 5A football is brutal. Some of the biggest, strongest and most talented players in the country are from right here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I came from a BB division school in Michigan to Texas 5A. How big of a difference can there be? The offensive line for my Texas school averaged 6'5" 285 lbs. Nuff said.

So what's a 5'4" linebacker to do against that? F*ck with their heads. The rhino of a padded prepubescent becomes nothing more than a confused feral cat when they can no longer focus.

Friday night is a big night in Texas. All day over 2,000 students are thinking about the game and what party they will attend afterwards. You can see it in the eyes of your teammates, the vision of hitting someone so hard their eyes go crossed for a few seconds, snot bubbles pop above their lips or a shoe flies off their foot.

I'm thinking about the mind f*ck.

As I walk through the gates to the field, the entire crowd, glowing in red and blue, roars like a tidal wave shaking the ground, breaking the turf as the symbols in the band clash like lightening in my head. Just then, all gets quiet. I see the cheers, but I don't hear them. I feel the bass of drums, but they've become shock treatment causing my heart to skip a few beats and when it comes back, my veins begin pumping lead. For this game, I was chosen to be a captian. I have the honor of walking to the middle of the field for the coin toss. And here it begins.

"Gentleman, shake hands," is the all too common demand from the referee. I'm now staring at the at 3 boys in the bodies of giants.

"Hey little guy, can I have some lucky charms?"

Yes, there it is. Here we go.

"I'm going to bite your kneecaps bitch."

He doesn't quite know what to say and just smiles. Napoleon would be proud. I reach out with my right hand which no longer feels like a hand. My arms have turned into canons. We tap barrels, step back and point. We want to fire, but can't until after that coin flips. Heads: I shoot first; Tails: He shoots first. Either way, f*ck 'em.

The ball snaps and here he comes. A freak of nature sees my red jersey and charges like a bull. He sees blood, smells blood, wants my blood to spill in this battle. I charge the hole, plug it, stop the ball behind him and the whistle. But this isn't the end of the play. I'm on the ground and this is his opportunity. This size 14 cleat takes a calculated plant pinching the skin just under my armpit between it and the ground, drawing the first blood.

Now it's my turn. Since I do not have the brute force that my opponent has, I wait for my opportunity. I watch as he pulls to the right to lead block for his running back. The running back is the last thing on my mind, I need him to now feel fear and confusion. I take off after him, he turns to me and I stop dead in my tracks and his momentum sends him to the ground. This is when I jump on his back with my exposed knee digging into his spine. My hand slides in the underside of the right ear of his helmet. My thumb presses down under his right ear lobe jabbing the point where his skull and jaw meet. He can't scream and no one sees what I am doing but how bad does he hurt right now.

And now begins the rodeo.

He kicks his legs and drives his shoulders up lifting me a solid 4 feet into the air. I grab his love handle fat just enough so he then throws that elbow. It smacks me right in the face.

And so begins my Oscar nomination.

I throw back my head, arms straight up and hit the ground as that flag flies in his direction.

I'd like to thank the academy.

The rest of the game I take out his knees. I drive my elbows and knees into his spine. I cause him pain and all it does is piss him off.

There is absolutely no glory here. My name will not be mentioned in any articles and my abilities will go widely unnoticed. But this is when he looks at me and I see those baby blues. He's confused, he's in pain and he is embarrassed. No matter how many times he was able to plant me on my back he is only wondering how his invincible stature is getting pounded by me. And I win.

If he keeps confidence, then I'm screwed, but instead the night will end with him asking "Who the f*ck was that little sh*t?" He will never admit it, but he will respect me. He will never admit it, but he hated having to block me. All of his stories will be about his achievements: when he planted the giant defensive end, gave our tackle a small concussion, but in the back of his mind, he will always think of me. He'll forever wonder "how?" Being short is one of the main reasons I will never be recognized in the papers or in the game films so I took the next best thing. I took control of the only thing I could. His mind.

And now, I've placed a scar in the mind of the invincible.

Napoleon, you are welcome.